I give you permission to ...

I woke up this morning, after eating what I deemed a little bit too much chocolate frozen yogurt last night with such gratefulness for a new day that I'm very proud of myself for transforming those negative feelings. It's something I'm finding I'm particularly good at and yes, I will pat myself on the back for that one.

After feeling crappy after yesterday became an "unplanned" cheat day, I took myself to sleep last night with the comfort that hopefully today would be better - that hopefully my body wouldn't feel different, that I could resume eating cleaning and instead be thankful for the two pieces of pizza I had at work (damn free food Friday) and that freaking delicious frozen yogurt that I genuinely enjoyed.

I also stumbled upon a few pictures courtesy of @beaucoo on Twitter, while laying in bed. This one helped a lot.

A test from the heavens

What a beautiful sunny Wendesday ... finally!

Over the weekend I had a family party on Sunday. After already deeming Saturday my "cheat" day I had hoped to refuse all of the food there, instead opting for my own "clean" creations when I got home.

But I got seriously hungry while I was there. We were going to be there for awhile and my dad refused to run to Wegmans so that I could make a salad.

Hmph.

Cheat day? (Day 9)

I took a break from blogging yesterday - Jordan was in town and it was the first time I've had a Saturday off in what has felt like years.

Ironically, I also took a break from eating clean(ish) yesterday.

I had so weirdly been craving a "Big Kid Grilled Cheese" and "Creamy Tomato Soup" from Panera. I am a huge sucker for any form of tomato soup and grilled cheese. It was a rainy day, I had worked out hard all week and wanted to indulge a little. Why not, right?

"You're setting yourself up for failure... " (Day 7)

As I mentioned before, I’m usually a pretty upbeat, positive person.

I’m actually pretty sure my optimism has a tendency to get annoying. But I’ve always been okay with that. It’s much better to be known as a Positive Patty than a Negative Nancy in my book. 

Anyway, as per my short post yesterday and kind of “blah” tone all week – I’ve definitely been feeling less than positive. 

I had a Staci appointment yesterday and honestly, THANK GOSH. I was getting a little worried that I was legitimately going insane.

Day Six :)

Hello hello!

So I had a therapy appointment today, thank gosh.

Last night as I was writing my own little Thought Catalog "article," I started freaking out. I'm not sure what my deal was but lets just say I ended up curled in the fetal position at 8pm. I'm not sure if I ate something bad (I didn't eat anything out of the ordinary), if my body was in shock from the "clean eating" and extra working out I've been doing (I doubt it), or if I had a slight concussion.

Day Five

Happy Hump Day!

Last night I spent a good hour reading different articles on Thought Catalog (thanks a lot Jenna Deutsch) that people with eating disorders have written.

Like this one, or this one, or this one. Oh yeah and this one was pretty spot on. 

If you don't read any of the other articles I link to, thats fine. Please take the time to read these ones. 

I'm planning to write my own and submit it soon.

Leading Yourself (Day Four)

I know it's only the fourth day, but I'm feeling GOOD.

I feel very in-tune with my body and have really been waiting until I'm hungry to eat. Unfortunately when I do feel hungry, I find myself getting a little annoyed. I'm not sure which is better - really letting myself get hungry to the point where I'm bitter OR eating when maybe I'm not really hungry.

The feeling of "hunger" is one I'm unfamiliar with. I've lost sense of what it means and how to respond to it. Slowly but surely, I'm relearning how to treat it.