Its been awhile ...

And I'm sorry for that.

I seem to have trouble committing to things. I wish this wasn't as bad as it sounds, but it is. I've never been able to stick with a "project" for too long.

Yet I refuse to let this blog fall by the wayside. So before you get your panties in a bunch - don't worry. I'm not going anywhere.

I was hoping my first post back would include a video. I recently gave a talk at my high school about this very blog and recorded the entire thing. It will be coming soon (go ahead, hold me to it). Anyways, I think if I literally waited one more day a new post may not come. And like I said, I can't give this baby up.

I wish I could sit here and type a glorious story about the end of my junior year - about how everything was fine and dandy. I wish I could say I've been extremely healthy and that I've been thriving.

Only that really hasn't been the case.

Things haven't been horrible, but I'm definitely no better than I was a few months ago. I still binge, I still freak out if I don't work out "enough" and I still beat myself up for not being thinner.

I think the Queen of Optimism (that's me!) is actually going to be negative for a second.

Basically I haven't gotten "better," am extremely bummed about that fact and am starting to wonder if I ever will. How do you teach yourself to not only accept but love yourself - when you've gotten so good at only showing yourself hate?

A friend pointed out once that perhaps not all of my posts need to have a "happy ending." You may have noticed that even though I usually tell an upsetting story or recall a bad time, I usually wrap up my posts with something positive.

For the most part, that probably won't be changing. I pride myself on being positive and in most cases something positive usually has happened after a rough situation - whether it was a lesson, event, new opportunity, etc.

But at the same time, I think it's important for me to acknowledge that this blog has to be real. Sometimes it won't be all "rainbows and butterflies" but that's okay - that's life. Right?

I think if I'm going to get more comfortable with myself I need to understand that happiness isn't forever lasting. There are ups and downs and moments that completely suck. Yes, you can be happy for long periods of time but isn't life about the ups and downs? Isn't balance the key?

I feel like that's what everyone has been telling me since the first day I admitted I was bulimic.

"Emily, you're fine! You just need to find balance!" or "Emily you can have some ice cream, just balance it out with eating some carrots," or "Emily just do some yoga, you'll find balance." Like c'mon, does that even make sense?

Maybe it does. Maybe that's what I'm missing.

So as I embark on this journey to find balance, do you have advice?

In this moment I'm frustrated and sick of feeling so blah about myself. So much of me has had trouble getting back to this blog for it was a commitment I made to myself. Maybe I thought I didn't deserve the commitment, the chance for a way out. Perhaps I wasn't ready. Slowly but surely, I'm teaching myself to stick to things.

Because I deserve it and so do those around me that I make promises too.

Now that  that it's summer, I have a lot of free time - for writing, for learning, for listening, for discovering.

Welcome back everyone, let's see what we can do.