I give you permission to ...

I woke up this morning, after eating what I deemed a little bit too much chocolate frozen yogurt last night with such gratefulness for a new day that I'm very proud of myself for transforming those negative feelings. It's something I'm finding I'm particularly good at and yes, I will pat myself on the back for that one.

After feeling crappy after yesterday became an "unplanned" cheat day, I took myself to sleep last night with the comfort that hopefully today would be better - that hopefully my body wouldn't feel different, that I could resume eating cleaning and instead be thankful for the two pieces of pizza I had at work (damn free food Friday) and that freaking delicious frozen yogurt that I genuinely enjoyed.

I also stumbled upon a few pictures courtesy of @beaucoo on Twitter, while laying in bed. This one helped a lot.

A test from the heavens

What a beautiful sunny Wendesday ... finally!

Over the weekend I had a family party on Sunday. After already deeming Saturday my "cheat" day I had hoped to refuse all of the food there, instead opting for my own "clean" creations when I got home.

But I got seriously hungry while I was there. We were going to be there for awhile and my dad refused to run to Wegmans so that I could make a salad.

Hmph.

Cheat day? (Day 9)

I took a break from blogging yesterday - Jordan was in town and it was the first time I've had a Saturday off in what has felt like years.

Ironically, I also took a break from eating clean(ish) yesterday.

I had so weirdly been craving a "Big Kid Grilled Cheese" and "Creamy Tomato Soup" from Panera. I am a huge sucker for any form of tomato soup and grilled cheese. It was a rainy day, I had worked out hard all week and wanted to indulge a little. Why not, right?

"You're setting yourself up for failure... " (Day 7)

As I mentioned before, I’m usually a pretty upbeat, positive person.

I’m actually pretty sure my optimism has a tendency to get annoying. But I’ve always been okay with that. It’s much better to be known as a Positive Patty than a Negative Nancy in my book. 

Anyway, as per my short post yesterday and kind of “blah” tone all week – I’ve definitely been feeling less than positive. 

I had a Staci appointment yesterday and honestly, THANK GOSH. I was getting a little worried that I was legitimately going insane.

Day Six :)

Hello hello!

So I had a therapy appointment today, thank gosh.

Last night as I was writing my own little Thought Catalog "article," I started freaking out. I'm not sure what my deal was but lets just say I ended up curled in the fetal position at 8pm. I'm not sure if I ate something bad (I didn't eat anything out of the ordinary), if my body was in shock from the "clean eating" and extra working out I've been doing (I doubt it), or if I had a slight concussion.

Day Five

Happy Hump Day!

Last night I spent a good hour reading different articles on Thought Catalog (thanks a lot Jenna Deutsch) that people with eating disorders have written.

Like this one, or this one, or this one. Oh yeah and this one was pretty spot on. 

If you don't read any of the other articles I link to, thats fine. Please take the time to read these ones. 

I'm planning to write my own and submit it soon.

Leading Yourself (Day Four)

I know it's only the fourth day, but I'm feeling GOOD.

I feel very in-tune with my body and have really been waiting until I'm hungry to eat. Unfortunately when I do feel hungry, I find myself getting a little annoyed. I'm not sure which is better - really letting myself get hungry to the point where I'm bitter OR eating when maybe I'm not really hungry.

The feeling of "hunger" is one I'm unfamiliar with. I've lost sense of what it means and how to respond to it. Slowly but surely, I'm relearning how to treat it.

Day Three

Some of these posts will be uber short and sweet, like this one. But for the sake of posting every day, you shall still deal with my rambling.

Nothing crazy exciting has happened since yesterday. Jordan had a game, spent the night after and left when I had to work. I told my mom to plan on walking this morning, so I had to skip out on time with him to stick to that committment. I'm glad I got to work out, but bummed I didn't get that extra hour with him.

Day Two

Last night my two favorite little girls (that I often babysit) slept over. Since I had to work this morning and then have plans for the rest of the day, I was anxious that I wouldn't be able to fit in a work out.

Great, I thought ... failing already.

Yet would it really have been worth it to miss out on the fun time we had screaming, "Girls rule, boys drool" at my dad all night?

Definitely not.

June Clean(ish) Eating Challenge

Happy June 1st all!

This morning as I was talking a walk with my mom, I came up with a plan. If you've read my previous post, you know that I've been feeling kind of blah lately - that and I've been unable to get "into" a summer routine. I've also been very frustrated with myself and my inability to complete projects

So for the month of June, I'm going to try a little challenge. I've tried numerous challenges in the past and have always stopped for one reason or another. Let's recap:

Its been awhile ...

And I'm sorry for that.

I seem to have trouble committing to things. I wish this wasn't as bad as it sounds, but it is. I've never been able to stick with a "project" for too long.

Yet I refuse to let this blog fall by the wayside. So before you get your panties in a bunch - don't worry. I'm not going anywhere.

I was hoping my first post back would include a video. I recently gave a talk at my high school about this very blog and recorded the entire thing. It will be coming soon (go ahead, hold me to it). Anyways, I think if I literally waited one more day a new post may not come. And like I said, I can't give this baby up.

I wish I could sit here and type a glorious story about the end of my junior year - about how everything was fine and dandy. I wish I could say I've been extremely healthy and that I've been thriving.

Only that really hasn't been the case.

MIA?

No, no ... I'm not missing-in-action. I apologize for the hiatus. Things have been a little, uh, crazy ... to say the least.

I have a lot to tell you about, a lot to fill you in on, but for now I'm trying to focus on wrapping up my junior year of college. Summer can't come soon enough.

I'll be doing something exciting this Wednesday, something I've never done before nor ever imagined I would do. It will take place at my high school and it will involve me speaking to students about having an eating disorder.

High school is arguably where a lot of this started for me, so I'm pretty nervous. I haven't really been back in three years.

I have no idea what I'm going to say, but I do know that I will be videotaping the "talk" and posting it on this blog.

Until then, I highly encourage you to read this article. A lot of times when I don't know what to say or how to make someone understand what having an eating disorder is like, I find that other people have already succeeded in doing so. This article blew me away and was hands down one of the best accounts of having an eating disorder I've ever seen.

If you've ever been unsure of what I'm trying to get across via this blog - hopefully the article will help.

Little Pink Shorts

Sometimes I don't feel like blogging and sometimes I do.

Right now is one of those moments when I'd rather not, but I tweeted earlier that I would have a post today. Although most of you probably didn't see that, I know at least one person did. Therefore, I feel accountable.

It's also probably something I should do ... for myself.

So where shall I begin?

Last Friday I went  "shorts" shopping - kind of on a whim.

The Crazy Cookie Incident

Today something bizarre happened to me. And by bizarre ... I mean B-I-Z-A-R-R-E.

Okay, fine. It's not actually that big of a deal. But then again, it is to me.

So I've been kind of out of it lately. Sort of down-in-the-dumps, foggy, just plain out of it. I've been feeling extra suck-y and have had zero motivation.

As I'm sure is the case for most of you, I hate feeling like this. It's nearly impossible for me to get anything done, all I want to do is sleep and strangely enough ... I've had no appetite.

Now I must make something very clear ... one of the greatest feelings you can give someone struggling with an eating disorder is the feeling of not having an appetite.

At least that's certainly the case for this girl.

Failure at its Finest

When you "fail" at something, it's hard to not tie your previous actions to the outcome.

When I fail at something, the above is second nature to me. It's what I do immediately.

And that's what I'm doing today.

Until today, I hadn't worked-out in four days. I ate crappy this weekend and am my stomach is bloated enough to make me think it's noticeable.

I'd like to say I know that isn't possible , but until I have that "skinny" feeling again my mind will be telling me otherwise.
Until about an hour ago, I was convinced that all of this was because I had failed to stick to my "healthy ways." As much as I preach about not worrying if you "fall of track," I haven't quite retired that feeling. In fact, it finds it way to haunt be daily.

All the Women who Independent ...

Yesterday I returned to my eating disorder group after a month of being in and out of the meetings. Due to Jordan's schedule and me obviously wanting to visit him whenever I can, I sacrificed a few of my group meetings to go see him.

And that's fine.

I didn't really feel like I needed to go yesterday, nor did I feel like I really needed to visit my therapist on Wednesday. I considered cancelling, sending e-mail's/text messages to my therapist and group members, saying I wouldn't be there.

Yet somehow I found myself attending both sessions, knowing that in the end I'd be happy.

And I was.

I always find that the appointments you think you don't need - end up being the ones you really do.

The Problem with a Picture

Sometime I just have an urge to write.

I hope that's a sign that this is what I was meant to do - that someday I'll be successful because of my writing. However I often internally debate if whether or not what I have to say is that ... important.

So sometimes I hesitate, waiting for the perfect moment for all of my thoughts to "come together."

"I have a request for a blog post," my younger sister Jessica said to me today.

Oh boy, I thought. Here we go.

Taking Advantage

Four is my favorite number. Today is the fourth day of the fourth month. It's only fitting that it's been a pretty kick butt day.

The snow that teases Rochester on a regular basis seems to have found somewhere else to torment - the sun is actually out. What a mood booster.

I decided to go for a run outdoors today and it was oddly peaceful.

Usually when I run I'm mentally coaching myself to stretch my legs father, get my knees up higher, move faster. I can't run more than a few miles at a time and I usually have to stop to take a few breaks. One time I was running and got so "into" it that I tripped and fell over my own two feet. I had to walk the remaining mile home, blood dripping from my knees to my sneakers.

Maybe that's why Jordan calls me a NARP (non-athletic regular person).

Progress Not Perfection

"The opportunity to embrace the whole of my humanity has presented itself once or twice before-and I’ve held out for something better. I’ve been waiting for the perfect body, the perfect amount of therapy and knowledge, the perfect moment to take that leap." - The Wunder Year

As I'm sure I've said before, I hate the word "perfect." Maybe it's because I've tried for 21 years to be "it," or maybe it's because "it" doesn't exist. I do know one thing, we all want what we can't have.

I survived Easter. Although I definitely can't say it was perfect, which unfortunately to me is still a failure, it was probably my best holiday eating wise to date.

Yet somehow, that hasn't been enough for me. I've spent the past two days thinking of the two helpings of stuffing I had at dinner (yes, we had a Thanksgiving meal instead of your typical Easter ham) verses just having one and being done. I'm paranoid about the twenty jelly-beans I had at night, when hours after dinner I was hungry again.

Easter Blues

I've had a rough past two days.

I think it all started when I went to slide on a pair of jeans I got last Christmas. Only there was no such thing as "sliding" them on. They were too freaking tight.

Great. What the hell was I supposed to do? If I'm trying to get myself used to how my body feels verses looking in mirrors, what happens when what I'm feeling about my body isn't ideal? Tight pants can only mean one thing ... you've gained weight.

Or does it?

What happens next?

It's been a little over two weeks since I first shared my bulimia struggles with you. It's been fifteen days (to be exact) that I first admitted I am not perfect to the world. I know not everyone is reading this, but it sure feels like it. I've thrust myself into the open, spilled my biggest secret and have become vulnerable.

It's been awfully scary. But also pretty freaking cool.

When I first had the idea to write this blog, my biggest hesitation came from a fear that people (readers) would treat me differently. Would people suddenly deem me inadequate to be their friend? Would my friends scrutinize each piece of food I put into my mouth? Would each trip to the bathroom leave someone wondering what exactly I was doing in there?

It was possible. In fact, it's still possible. BUT it's also something that I've accepted.

Mustard & other things

Did you know there are zero calories in mustard?

Me either ...

Until today.

This afternoon I checked the nutrition facts before I squirted a heaping yellow glob next to my pretzels. I broke into a silent jig when the number next to Calories was zero. I mean really, who knew!

I was still mentally celebrating as I put the bottle back on the top shelf of the refrigerator. Moving too quickly and not paying any attention, I tried to place the bottle on top of a Tim Hortons Iced Cap that Jessica had so nicely been storing on the top shelf.

Coffee. went. everywhere.

Why I don't "do" numbers

Because they stink?

I've never been good at math. Yet somehow I always found myself in advanced-math classes. If you want to be perfect you have to be the best of everything and that means being in the hardest classes ... duh.

I don't think you could pay me to get on a scale. Not even for a million dollars. Okay, maybe for a million dollars because that's a lot of new pairs of Lululemon pants, but please don't offer me a million dollars. I'd really rather not weigh myself.

Would you rather?

--> Would you rather have the perfect life or ultimate strength? This is a question I've been asking myself a lot lately.

With five blog posts currently in the works, I've been planning on finishing one up, sharing it and moving on to the next. However, life doesn't always go as planned.

Which is something I'm still trying to grasp.

On Tuesday morning my boyfriend Jordan's Uncle Shawn passed away.

The first time I met Shawn, he welcomed me into the family with open arms. I am so thankful for the amazing father, husband, son, uncle and brother he was to a family that I love so much.

I am also grateful that he gave this world his beautiful daughter, Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn has been a role model for me in more ways than I think she knows. Therefore, this post is about her. I think it's so important that you have "idols" in life. If you don’t have one, I’d advise you to get searching. I'll gladly tell you that few of mine are celebrities or famous figures. Instead they're people like Kaitlyn, who inspire others by simply being who they are.

As I was making the two-hour journey North to be with Jordan's family and to remember Shawn in Canada, I silently begged myself to please stay healthy while away from home. Usually when I'm out of my routine or comfort zone, stress eating, binging and purging become an obvious escape. I began repeating over and over to myself, "Emily, don't fall off track." As I turned my mixed CD up and began to cruise on the I-90, I started to wonder exactly what this "track" was that I was talking about.

I started to thinking about the limits I've set for myself. The foods I’ve deemed "off limits,” the restaurants, calorie amounts, etc. When was the last time I really just let myself "be?"

I don't know the answer to that question. I do know it's something  I'd give almost anything for. When I do experience those rare moments of peace with myself, it is pure bliss. However, when you’ve spent the past few years trying to achieve perfection, there isn’t a whole lot of just "being."

But back to Kaitlyn.

She, on the other hand, is someone who I'm convinced has the whole "being," thing down. Even as she stood at her father's wake, she remained composed. While I can't even begin to imagine what she has gone through in the past month, she stood confident and content. I could see that she trusted that in each moment, she was exactly where she was supposed to be. Even more remarkable was the acceptance that beamed from her - acceptance for herself, those surrounding her and the events that life has thrown her way.

We have to be strong. Each day has the potential to be challenging and each day can easily throw something unexpected our way. Kaitlyn, I know you are aware of and always ready for that. I applaud you for being understanding of challenges and imperfections before most others. I know that I continually look to you for that strength.

After arriving back home today, I wasn't feeling ideal. I haven't exercised in three days, I haven't eaten uber healthy, and I don't think one lovely little pimple on the side of my nose is going away anytime soon.

Oh freaking well. Welcome to life Emily, where things rarely go as planned. We have no set "track" to follow and no path that will lead us to ultimate success. Instead we must fall, struggle, pick ourselves up, and move on. As I'm slowly but surely learning, you can't draw that path out before it’s happened. You have to let things be.

Kaitlyn, thank you so much for teaching me these lessons, whether or not you were aware you were doing it. You are hands down the strongest 23-year-old I know and I am positive that your Dad will forever be proud of you.

Don't set limits for yourself, don't get upset when something doesn't go as planned. One of the most reassuring things I have learned through recovery is that I'm not exactly in control of what happens in my life.

What do I mean?

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. As much as I despise the fact that for months I could be found hiding behind a bathroom door, I am not ashamed. There clearly is a lesson I need to learn. While I'm not completely sure what that lesson is yet, I know part of it is to understand that while perfection may exist, it is not something I need to be.

Instead it's strength I hope to gain and share with others - just as Kaitlyn has done for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Kait, for reminding me what's important in life. You rock my freaking socks pretty darn hard.

Mirror, Mirror

Incredible, amazing, fantastic, beautiful, addicted.

I feel on top of the world.

The support, love and feedback I have gotten from family, friends and complete strangers has been overwhelming ... in the best way possible. I couldn't sleep last night. I was on a pure adrenaline rush and so anxious to keep writing. I'm am so glad everyone likes the new blog focus and is reading - let's keep it going!

A Re-Introduction

Deep down, when I first started this blog, I knew what it was eventually going to be about. I figured by the time 2013 ended I would have spilled all of my secrets and that nothing would be off limits for me to write about. I wasn't sure exactly when I'd get the courage to nail everything down and actually write it out, but hey - better sooner than later.

So, if you aren't interested in really getting to know me ... this is the part where you should stop reading. It's about to get real personal, real fast. I'm extremely scared for how people are going to react to this, but the only way I know how to solve a problem is to talk or write about it. Writing is my therapy.

So what do you say to taking chances? (insert Celine Dion song here).

My Day of Revelations

Well it's been awhile ...

I wish I could think of something witty to say to explain why the heck I've been MIA in the blogging world for over a month, but I really don't have an excuse. While it'd be easy for me to sit here and list off all of the reasons why I'm pretty much the worst blogger EVER, I'm going to give myself a break.

Today I had a few revelations.

My Very First ...

Happy Friday :)

So today, an article I wrote for my E-Journalism class ... got published! While most of the class may end up getting published too, I'm still looking at it as a "big deal."

Why? Why not! Too often we overlook events that are actually freaking awesome. It's only when the moments have passed that we look back and identify how kick-butt they were. Why not try to really enjoy them as they happen?

I'm convinced that "living in the moment," is the greatest feeling you can achieve. I'm not particularly good at it yet, but when I am ... it's heaven.

Where has the time gone?

I think winter break was a tease. I can't seem to get motivated this week, my second week back in classes. Not only that, but finding the time to blog has been impossible.

Maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but what the heck! I thought as soon as I started this blog I would have instant success! I'd obviously have a ton to write about, an increasing number of readers each day, and be on the top of everyone's "to-read" list.

Yeah right, Emily.

My Dirty Little Secret

Yesterday, as I was completing my morning routine and checking Twitter, I came across a re-tweeted New York Times article that really intrigued me. I thought it'd be a good idea to share its content with you.

The article was re-tweeted by a journalism professor of mine, with the description - "I love this writing exercise. Will employ in some class in the future." I instantly clicked the link, thinking maybe I could get a head start on an idea for an assignment that may soon be coming my way.