Little Pink Shorts

Sometimes I don't feel like blogging and sometimes I do.

Right now is one of those moments when I'd rather not, but I tweeted earlier that I would have a post today. Although most of you probably didn't see that, I know at least one person did. Therefore, I feel accountable.

It's also probably something I should do ... for myself.

So where shall I begin?

Last Friday I went  "shorts" shopping - kind of on a whim.

The Crazy Cookie Incident

Today something bizarre happened to me. And by bizarre ... I mean B-I-Z-A-R-R-E.

Okay, fine. It's not actually that big of a deal. But then again, it is to me.

So I've been kind of out of it lately. Sort of down-in-the-dumps, foggy, just plain out of it. I've been feeling extra suck-y and have had zero motivation.

As I'm sure is the case for most of you, I hate feeling like this. It's nearly impossible for me to get anything done, all I want to do is sleep and strangely enough ... I've had no appetite.

Now I must make something very clear ... one of the greatest feelings you can give someone struggling with an eating disorder is the feeling of not having an appetite.

At least that's certainly the case for this girl.

Failure at its Finest

When you "fail" at something, it's hard to not tie your previous actions to the outcome.

When I fail at something, the above is second nature to me. It's what I do immediately.

And that's what I'm doing today.

Until today, I hadn't worked-out in four days. I ate crappy this weekend and am my stomach is bloated enough to make me think it's noticeable.

I'd like to say I know that isn't possible , but until I have that "skinny" feeling again my mind will be telling me otherwise.
Until about an hour ago, I was convinced that all of this was because I had failed to stick to my "healthy ways." As much as I preach about not worrying if you "fall of track," I haven't quite retired that feeling. In fact, it finds it way to haunt be daily.

All the Women who Independent ...

Yesterday I returned to my eating disorder group after a month of being in and out of the meetings. Due to Jordan's schedule and me obviously wanting to visit him whenever I can, I sacrificed a few of my group meetings to go see him.

And that's fine.

I didn't really feel like I needed to go yesterday, nor did I feel like I really needed to visit my therapist on Wednesday. I considered cancelling, sending e-mail's/text messages to my therapist and group members, saying I wouldn't be there.

Yet somehow I found myself attending both sessions, knowing that in the end I'd be happy.

And I was.

I always find that the appointments you think you don't need - end up being the ones you really do.

The Problem with a Picture

Sometime I just have an urge to write.

I hope that's a sign that this is what I was meant to do - that someday I'll be successful because of my writing. However I often internally debate if whether or not what I have to say is that ... important.

So sometimes I hesitate, waiting for the perfect moment for all of my thoughts to "come together."

"I have a request for a blog post," my younger sister Jessica said to me today.

Oh boy, I thought. Here we go.

Taking Advantage

Four is my favorite number. Today is the fourth day of the fourth month. It's only fitting that it's been a pretty kick butt day.

The snow that teases Rochester on a regular basis seems to have found somewhere else to torment - the sun is actually out. What a mood booster.

I decided to go for a run outdoors today and it was oddly peaceful.

Usually when I run I'm mentally coaching myself to stretch my legs father, get my knees up higher, move faster. I can't run more than a few miles at a time and I usually have to stop to take a few breaks. One time I was running and got so "into" it that I tripped and fell over my own two feet. I had to walk the remaining mile home, blood dripping from my knees to my sneakers.

Maybe that's why Jordan calls me a NARP (non-athletic regular person).

Progress Not Perfection

"The opportunity to embrace the whole of my humanity has presented itself once or twice before-and I’ve held out for something better. I’ve been waiting for the perfect body, the perfect amount of therapy and knowledge, the perfect moment to take that leap." - The Wunder Year

As I'm sure I've said before, I hate the word "perfect." Maybe it's because I've tried for 21 years to be "it," or maybe it's because "it" doesn't exist. I do know one thing, we all want what we can't have.

I survived Easter. Although I definitely can't say it was perfect, which unfortunately to me is still a failure, it was probably my best holiday eating wise to date.

Yet somehow, that hasn't been enough for me. I've spent the past two days thinking of the two helpings of stuffing I had at dinner (yes, we had a Thanksgiving meal instead of your typical Easter ham) verses just having one and being done. I'm paranoid about the twenty jelly-beans I had at night, when hours after dinner I was hungry again.