I've had a rough past two days.
I think it all started when I went to slide on a pair of jeans I got last Christmas. Only there was no such thing as "sliding" them on. They were too freaking tight.
Great. What the hell was I supposed to do? If I'm trying to get myself used to how my body feels verses looking in mirrors, what happens when what I'm feeling about my body isn't ideal? Tight pants can only mean one thing ... you've gained weight.
Or does it?
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
What happens next?
It's been a little over two weeks since I first shared my bulimia struggles with you. It's been fifteen days (to be exact) that I first admitted I am not perfect to the world. I know not everyone is reading this, but it sure feels like it. I've thrust myself into the open, spilled my biggest secret and have become vulnerable.
It's been awfully scary. But also pretty freaking cool.
When I first had the idea to write this blog, my biggest hesitation came from a fear that people (readers) would treat me differently. Would people suddenly deem me inadequate to be their friend? Would my friends scrutinize each piece of food I put into my mouth? Would each trip to the bathroom leave someone wondering what exactly I was doing in there?
It was possible. In fact, it's still possible. BUT it's also something that I've accepted.
It's been awfully scary. But also pretty freaking cool.
When I first had the idea to write this blog, my biggest hesitation came from a fear that people (readers) would treat me differently. Would people suddenly deem me inadequate to be their friend? Would my friends scrutinize each piece of food I put into my mouth? Would each trip to the bathroom leave someone wondering what exactly I was doing in there?
It was possible. In fact, it's still possible. BUT it's also something that I've accepted.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Mustard & other things
Did you know there are zero calories in mustard?
Me either ...
Until today.
This afternoon I checked the nutrition facts before I squirted a heaping yellow glob next to my pretzels. I broke into a silent jig when the number next to Calories was zero. I mean really, who knew!
I was still mentally celebrating as I put the bottle back on the top shelf of the refrigerator. Moving too quickly and not paying any attention, I tried to place the bottle on top of a Tim Hortons Iced Cap that Jessica had so nicely been storing on the top shelf.
Coffee. went. everywhere.
Me either ...
Until today.
This afternoon I checked the nutrition facts before I squirted a heaping yellow glob next to my pretzels. I broke into a silent jig when the number next to Calories was zero. I mean really, who knew!
I was still mentally celebrating as I put the bottle back on the top shelf of the refrigerator. Moving too quickly and not paying any attention, I tried to place the bottle on top of a Tim Hortons Iced Cap that Jessica had so nicely been storing on the top shelf.
Coffee. went. everywhere.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Why I don't "do" numbers
Because they stink?
I've never been good at math. Yet somehow I always found myself in advanced-math classes. If you want to be perfect you have to be the best of everything and that means being in the hardest classes ... duh.
I don't think you could pay me to get on a scale. Not even for a million dollars. Okay, maybe for a million dollars because that's a lot of new pairs of Lululemon pants, but please don't offer me a million dollars. I'd really rather not weigh myself.
I've never been good at math. Yet somehow I always found myself in advanced-math classes. If you want to be perfect you have to be the best of everything and that means being in the hardest classes ... duh.
I don't think you could pay me to get on a scale. Not even for a million dollars. Okay, maybe for a million dollars because that's a lot of new pairs of Lululemon pants, but please don't offer me a million dollars. I'd really rather not weigh myself.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Would you rather?
--> Would you rather have the perfect life or ultimate strength? This is a question I've been asking myself a lot lately.
With five blog posts currently in the works, I've been planning on finishing one up, sharing it and moving on to the next. However, life doesn't always go as planned.
Which is something I'm still trying to grasp.
On Tuesday morning my boyfriend Jordan's Uncle Shawn passed away.
The first time I met Shawn, he welcomed me into the family with open arms. I am so thankful for the amazing father, husband, son, uncle and brother he was to a family that I love so much.
I am also grateful that he gave this world his beautiful daughter, Kaitlyn.
Kaitlyn has been a role model for me in more ways than I think she knows. Therefore, this post is about her. I think it's so important that you have "idols" in life. If you don’t have one, I’d advise you to get searching. I'll gladly tell you that few of mine are celebrities or famous figures. Instead they're people like Kaitlyn, who inspire others by simply being who they are.
As I was making the two-hour journey North to be with Jordan's family and to remember Shawn in Canada, I silently begged myself to please stay healthy while away from home. Usually when I'm out of my routine or comfort zone, stress eating, binging and purging become an obvious escape. I began repeating over and over to myself, "Emily, don't fall off track." As I turned my mixed CD up and began to cruise on the I-90, I started to wonder exactly what this "track" was that I was talking about.
I started to thinking about the limits I've set for myself. The foods I’ve deemed "off limits,” the restaurants, calorie amounts, etc. When was the last time I really just let myself "be?"
I don't know the answer to that question. I do know it's something I'd give almost anything for. When I do experience those rare moments of peace with myself, it is pure bliss. However, when you’ve spent the past few years trying to achieve perfection, there isn’t a whole lot of just "being."
But back to Kaitlyn.
She, on the other hand, is someone who I'm convinced has the whole "being," thing down. Even as she stood at her father's wake, she remained composed. While I can't even begin to imagine what she has gone through in the past month, she stood confident and content. I could see that she trusted that in each moment, she was exactly where she was supposed to be. Even more remarkable was the acceptance that beamed from her - acceptance for herself, those surrounding her and the events that life has thrown her way.
We have to be strong. Each day has the potential to be challenging and each day can easily throw something unexpected our way. Kaitlyn, I know you are aware of and always ready for that. I applaud you for being understanding of challenges and imperfections before most others. I know that I continually look to you for that strength.
After arriving back home today, I wasn't feeling ideal. I haven't exercised in three days, I haven't eaten uber healthy, and I don't think one lovely little pimple on the side of my nose is going away anytime soon.
Oh freaking well. Welcome to life Emily, where things rarely go as planned. We have no set "track" to follow and no path that will lead us to ultimate success. Instead we must fall, struggle, pick ourselves up, and move on. As I'm slowly but surely learning, you can't draw that path out before it’s happened. You have to let things be.
Kaitlyn, thank you so much for teaching me these lessons, whether or not you were aware you were doing it. You are hands down the strongest 23-year-old I know and I am positive that your Dad will forever be proud of you.
Don't set limits for yourself, don't get upset when something doesn't go as planned. One of the most reassuring things I have learned through recovery is that I'm not exactly in control of what happens in my life.
What do I mean?
I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. As much as I despise the fact that for months I could be found hiding behind a bathroom door, I am not ashamed. There clearly is a lesson I need to learn. While I'm not completely sure what that lesson is yet, I know part of it is to understand that while perfection may exist, it is not something I need to be.
Instead it's strength I hope to gain and share with others - just as Kaitlyn has done for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Kait, for reminding me what's important in life. You rock my freaking socks pretty darn hard.
With five blog posts currently in the works, I've been planning on finishing one up, sharing it and moving on to the next. However, life doesn't always go as planned.
Which is something I'm still trying to grasp.
On Tuesday morning my boyfriend Jordan's Uncle Shawn passed away.
The first time I met Shawn, he welcomed me into the family with open arms. I am so thankful for the amazing father, husband, son, uncle and brother he was to a family that I love so much.
I am also grateful that he gave this world his beautiful daughter, Kaitlyn.
Kaitlyn has been a role model for me in more ways than I think she knows. Therefore, this post is about her. I think it's so important that you have "idols" in life. If you don’t have one, I’d advise you to get searching. I'll gladly tell you that few of mine are celebrities or famous figures. Instead they're people like Kaitlyn, who inspire others by simply being who they are.
As I was making the two-hour journey North to be with Jordan's family and to remember Shawn in Canada, I silently begged myself to please stay healthy while away from home. Usually when I'm out of my routine or comfort zone, stress eating, binging and purging become an obvious escape. I began repeating over and over to myself, "Emily, don't fall off track." As I turned my mixed CD up and began to cruise on the I-90, I started to wonder exactly what this "track" was that I was talking about.
I started to thinking about the limits I've set for myself. The foods I’ve deemed "off limits,” the restaurants, calorie amounts, etc. When was the last time I really just let myself "be?"
I don't know the answer to that question. I do know it's something I'd give almost anything for. When I do experience those rare moments of peace with myself, it is pure bliss. However, when you’ve spent the past few years trying to achieve perfection, there isn’t a whole lot of just "being."
But back to Kaitlyn.
She, on the other hand, is someone who I'm convinced has the whole "being," thing down. Even as she stood at her father's wake, she remained composed. While I can't even begin to imagine what she has gone through in the past month, she stood confident and content. I could see that she trusted that in each moment, she was exactly where she was supposed to be. Even more remarkable was the acceptance that beamed from her - acceptance for herself, those surrounding her and the events that life has thrown her way.
We have to be strong. Each day has the potential to be challenging and each day can easily throw something unexpected our way. Kaitlyn, I know you are aware of and always ready for that. I applaud you for being understanding of challenges and imperfections before most others. I know that I continually look to you for that strength.
After arriving back home today, I wasn't feeling ideal. I haven't exercised in three days, I haven't eaten uber healthy, and I don't think one lovely little pimple on the side of my nose is going away anytime soon.
Oh freaking well. Welcome to life Emily, where things rarely go as planned. We have no set "track" to follow and no path that will lead us to ultimate success. Instead we must fall, struggle, pick ourselves up, and move on. As I'm slowly but surely learning, you can't draw that path out before it’s happened. You have to let things be.
Kaitlyn, thank you so much for teaching me these lessons, whether or not you were aware you were doing it. You are hands down the strongest 23-year-old I know and I am positive that your Dad will forever be proud of you.
Don't set limits for yourself, don't get upset when something doesn't go as planned. One of the most reassuring things I have learned through recovery is that I'm not exactly in control of what happens in my life.
What do I mean?
I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. As much as I despise the fact that for months I could be found hiding behind a bathroom door, I am not ashamed. There clearly is a lesson I need to learn. While I'm not completely sure what that lesson is yet, I know part of it is to understand that while perfection may exist, it is not something I need to be.
Instead it's strength I hope to gain and share with others - just as Kaitlyn has done for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Kait, for reminding me what's important in life. You rock my freaking socks pretty darn hard.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Mirror, Mirror
Incredible, amazing, fantastic, beautiful, addicted.
I feel on top of the world.
The support, love and feedback I have gotten from family, friends and complete strangers has been overwhelming ... in the best way possible. I couldn't sleep last night. I was on a pure adrenaline rush and so anxious to keep writing. I'm am so glad everyone likes the new blog focus and is reading - let's keep it going!
I feel on top of the world.
The support, love and feedback I have gotten from family, friends and complete strangers has been overwhelming ... in the best way possible. I couldn't sleep last night. I was on a pure adrenaline rush and so anxious to keep writing. I'm am so glad everyone likes the new blog focus and is reading - let's keep it going!
Monday, March 11, 2013
A Re-Introduction
Deep down, when I first started this blog, I knew what it was eventually going to be about. I figured by the time 2013 ended I would have spilled all of my secrets and that nothing would be off limits for me to write about. I wasn't sure exactly when I'd get the courage to nail everything down and actually write it out, but hey - better sooner than later.
So, if you aren't interested in really getting to know me ... this is the part where you should stop reading. It's about to get real personal, real fast. I'm extremely scared for how people are going to react to this, but the only way I know how to solve a problem is to talk or write about it. Writing is my therapy.
So what do you say to taking chances? (insert Celine Dion song here).
So, if you aren't interested in really getting to know me ... this is the part where you should stop reading. It's about to get real personal, real fast. I'm extremely scared for how people are going to react to this, but the only way I know how to solve a problem is to talk or write about it. Writing is my therapy.
So what do you say to taking chances? (insert Celine Dion song here).
Thursday, March 7, 2013
My Day of Revelations
Well it's been awhile ...
I wish I could think of something witty to say to explain why the heck I've been MIA in the blogging world for over a month, but I really don't have an excuse. While it'd be easy for me to sit here and list off all of the reasons why I'm pretty much the worst blogger EVER, I'm going to give myself a break.
Today I had a few revelations.
I wish I could think of something witty to say to explain why the heck I've been MIA in the blogging world for over a month, but I really don't have an excuse. While it'd be easy for me to sit here and list off all of the reasons why I'm pretty much the worst blogger EVER, I'm going to give myself a break.
Today I had a few revelations.
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