Me either ...
Until today.
This afternoon I checked the nutrition facts before I squirted a heaping yellow glob next to my pretzels. I broke into a silent jig when the number next to Calories was zero. I mean really, who knew!
I was still mentally celebrating as I put the bottle back on the top shelf of the refrigerator. Moving too quickly and not paying any attention, I tried to place the bottle on top of a Tim Hortons Iced Cap that Jessica had so nicely been storing on the top shelf.
Coffee. went. everywhere.
As I stood stunned over the mess, Jess started to laugh. She had watched the whole thing from her spot on the couch.
I started to laugh too. Who the heck gets happy over mustard having no calories and gets SO excited that they can't put function to put the mustard bottle back?
Why someone who has an eating disorder ... of course.
I guess I lied when I said, "I don't do numbers" (see previous post), since I actually "do" numbers quite often. I could easily tell you the calories in many foods and even some of the ingredients - or at least the ones I stay away from. Like high fructose corn syrup (cringe) or enriched flour (yuck).
To be completely honest, I have no idea what's wrong with either of those two ingredients. Someone must have told me they were "bad" at some point and that was all I needed to cut them out of my life.
I'm sure a little research would confirm that corn syrup isn't the best thing to put into your body 24/7, but I'm also sure that I wouldn't gain 100 pounds from eating a pop tart (which contains high-fructose corn syrup) or even one pound for that matter.
I have gotten way too caught up in foods I "can't" have or foods that are "off limits" because they’re "unhealthy." What does unhealthy even mean? Don't they always say that "anything is healthy in moderation?" I've never really understood that phrase but boy, I'd really like to.
I guess I'm mad at myself, as per usual, for caring if freaking mustard has calories. That can't possibly be normal. It's moments like these that remind me I still have a long way to go. And I'm forcing myself to trust and believe that that's okay.
Last night I had ice cream, which is usually a big "no-no" for me. "Ice cream is the most fattening food," my mother always says. Each time someone offers me ice cream or I'm tempted to have some, her words ring in my ears.
Anyway, it was movie night last night and I wanted ice cream. Actually I wasn't hungry whatsoever. But after not eating super healthy the past few days, I wanted to end the weekend with a bang and go all out. Ice cream is my go-to when I'm feeling bad about how I've been eating - a further punishment for letting myself fall off track.
The ice cream probably would have been okay if I didn't get the largest size. It probably would have been okay if I didn't get a bajillion "things" mixed into my creation. It definitely would have been okay if I didn't eat the whole thing - but yeah right, that wasn't going to happen.
In the world of Emily it's either all or nothing - a fact a very good friend recently pointed out. I either tell myself I can't have a food, or allow myself to have it - only to quickly feel like I need ALL of it. I convince myself that tomorrow I can start over. I'll never eat this food again. I'll have a perfect, pretty, clean slate. Yeah, tomorrow will be THE day. I'll be able to circle the date in my calendar as the last time I ever ate blank food and as each month passes I'll feel accomplished. Go me!
As per usual, last night was the LAST time I was ever going to eat ice cream. Therefore, I ate so much that I was nauseous by the time the bowl was empty. There was no putting down the spoon, no throwing out the precious cake-batter concoction, it was all or nothing.
Which is a habit I seriously need to break. I'm not trying to beat myself up, but HELLO EMILY you can have ice cream! Maybe get a small size or stop eating it when your full, but either way - you can have it. Okay? You can have it.
Actually, you can have anything. No food is off limits and nothing shall be restricted - my new motto.
Because while I don't believe it yet, I'd like to trust that anything really is healthy in moderation.
And that there are more exciting things in life than mustard having zero calories.
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