Easter Blues

I've had a rough past two days.

I think it all started when I went to slide on a pair of jeans I got last Christmas. Only there was no such thing as "sliding" them on. They were too freaking tight.

Great. What the hell was I supposed to do? If I'm trying to get myself used to how my body feels verses looking in mirrors, what happens when what I'm feeling about my body isn't ideal? Tight pants can only mean one thing ... you've gained weight.

Or does it?

I could easily sit here and rattle of reasons why my pants were tight. I'm getting my period, the jeans had just come from the dyer, the denim is naturally more rigid ...

But at the end of the day, none of those excuses helped. In fact, I felt more anxious and nervous about my weight than I have in a long time. AND tomorrow is Easter. Fabulous.

Holidays are particularly difficult for me. Why? You guessed it - there's always a lot of stinkin' food around. Over the years, I've tried a number of different things at holiday gatherings. Nothing seems to work well. I've tried taking a "little bit" of everything, not eating anything, letting myself have whatever I want, etc. No matter what I'm never satisfied. Either I restricted myself from enjoying a meal, ate too much, or completely overindulged.

I actually have zero idea what I'm going to do tomorrow morning. We are having twenty family members over for brunch and then I'm heading to my grandmothers for dinner.

The only thing that I think may work is waiting to see how my body feels. If I'm hungry? I'll eat. When I'm full? I'll stop.

If only it was that easy.

After the tight jean incident, I kind of lost it. It's common for me, when I'm feeling down, to continue feeling bad by binging, purging, etc. No, I didn't get sick - but I'd also be lying if I told you I didn't have five cookies at work.

I've been extremely blah since then - unhappy with myself, how I chose to treat my body, etc. Until this morning, that is.

Today I'm feeling good.

It's sunny out, the windows are open, I don't have to work, and I'm going for a run soon ... this is how I always want to feel.

But how do I ensure that the next time my pants are tight I don't freak out? And how do I survive a holiday where chocolate eggs are practically forced down your throat?

You just do.

There won't be a clear answer, there most likely won't be a silver lining ... but there is hope. Even if that hope is all I have at the end of the day, it's enough Emily.

So today, I'm going to hope I chose to treat my body correctly. I'm going to hope I can trust in my body's ability to tell my brain when it's hungry and to stop my mouth from opening for food when it's full.

Although the past two days have sucked, I'm going to hope today is different. Even if I'm having some serious doubts. I'm going to hope that that was the last time I'll ever shove five cookies into my body without pausing to breathe and hope that even if it's not - I'll be okay.

Maybe there is no such thing as a "last time," and maybe I'll struggle with my weight and how I look at food for the rest of my life.

But I'm going to seriously hope that's not the case - because it doesn't need to be.

Last night as I was nearing the end of a book I've been reading, tears came to my eyes when I read this line:

"We are what we do and say, not what we intend to."

As I sit here worrying about how many starburst jellybeans I can eat tomorrow (0? 10? 24?) I am hoping I can change my mindset.

It's not what you're thinking about doing that makes you who you are. I'm already scared I'll binge tomorrow and mentally punishing myself for doing so - yet it hasn't even happened yet.

Instead, I shall focus on the hope that I'll make smart decisions and listen to my body. I'll trust that each choice I make brings me happiness and if I don't think something will ... then I won't.

And for those stupid jeans? They're folded and nicely placed away in my closet. I considered getting rid of them or hanging them on the wall for motivation ...

Instead, I think I'll just leave them and wear them when I feel like it.