Mirror, Mirror

Incredible, amazing, fantastic, beautiful, addicted.

I feel on top of the world.

The support, love and feedback I have gotten from family, friends and complete strangers has been overwhelming ... in the best way possible. I couldn't sleep last night. I was on a pure adrenaline rush and so anxious to keep writing. I'm am so glad everyone likes the new blog focus and is reading - let's keep it going!

Thank you so much for all of the phone calls, text messages, e-mails, Facebook/Twitter messages, etc. You guys kick some serious butt in my books. I know I'm not the only one struggling with an issue and just as you all have said to me, I'm here for you too. I'm thinking about adding posts from other people eventually. Whether their anonymous posts or not, think about what you have to share. Let me know if you're interested.

In the most non-cliche way possible, I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my body. I feel real and alive. I'm ready to move forward and I think for the first time I can honestly say there's no looking back.

Well I've never been an extremely religious person, I do believe in God and His power to lead our lives. Therefore, I thought it'd be a good idea to share with you what I've "given up" for Lent.

I should probably admitt that the reason I've partaken in Lent in the past wasn't to serve my relgious beliefs. In fact I've always looked at Lent as the perfect excuse to diet. If I failed, God would hate me and something bad would happen. That was my motivation.

I've always given up some sort of food. Suprise, suprise. It never leads to anything good.
Two years ago, I gave up sweets - whatever those may be. I had multiple internal battles with myself and I think I eventually ended up minimizing sweets to just chocolate (it feels so long ago). Anyways, I plowed through the allotted time doing whatever I could NOT to eat chocolate.

The result was much less that I had hoped for. I first begged my parents and Grandma not to give me any candy on Easter (a tradition.) Instead I received fruit. Their gesture was so kind and thoughtful, but some part of me knew it was not normal to get fruit in your Easter basket.

I made it until Easter without eating chocolate and then decided to keep going - for as long as I could.

All was rainbows and butterflies (Shout out to Adam Levine), until my same wonderful Grandma brought over a plate of chocolate cookies. It was probably a week after Easter.

Maybe I could have resisted if I was stronger, but you must understand that my Grandma is an unbelievable cook. I KNEW these cookies would be heavenly. I decided to have one.

Only one turned into half the plate and I won't go into the details about what happened after.

Last year, I decided to try giving up sweets again. All was well until Easter hit. I traveled to Canada to visit my boyfriend and spent Easter with his family. Easter celebrations with my family came throughout the week before. My Grandma let me pick out some candy she was planning to split between her five grandchildren and I gave myself an extra pat on the back when I decided to give my share to a friend. I was convinced I had the Lent season in the bag.

At Easter dinner with my boyfriend and his family, I ate too much. I ate more than I needed. I was definitely past being full by the time the meal was over. Yet I still dived into dessert, candy, etc. At first, I was fine. I can't say the same for a few hours later.

Jordan and I went to a movie and my body went psychotic. I became so nauseous and sick to my stomach that the only thing I knew to do was .... well, you know. I remember Jordan making fun of me in his playful way, obviously having zero idea what was going on. He didn't know the nitty gritty details of my illness at this time. We had seen Project X and I tried to justify my trips to the bathroom by saying it was due to the way the camera seemed to shake throughout the entire movie.

So, after two failed years - and I can confidently say they were failures, because hello -  they were. I've decided to do something different this year. At first, I was going to give up sweets BUT something clicked. Thankfully.

I've learned I can't deprive myself of things because it only leads me to wanting them more. If I give up chocolate, it only leads to a binge later on. If I give up sweets, I can't possibly narrow down what a sweet is and I end up beating myself up. I need to teach myself to find a balance.

Therefore, this year I've decided to give up something entirely different and not food related. I have given up looking in full length mirrors.

I know, I know. I've gone off the deep end. I've gone crazy. I'm aware. Just hear me out.

How many times have you gotten ready for the day, only to quickly glance in a full-length mirror and be washed over with a feeling of, "Ew, do I really look like that?"

Maybe it's only me, but I'm guessing it's not. So my new motto? Eff mirrors!

From now on, I will only be using tiny ones ... to put my make-up on.

I need to get used to my body, I need to be comfortable with how it feels. My body image is so distorted that checking myself out in the mirror isn't going to help me get better anytime soon. The only thing I know how to do is eliminate the devil that is haunting me.

I've removed my full length mirror from my room, taken down my vanity mirror, turned around the ones in my sisters room, and try very hard to stay away from any mirrors that seem to creep up on me. It's hard, very hard. But it's also kind of fun.

It hasn't been super long yet, but I think I feel better. There's something about pulling on your clothes in the morning without seeing how they look, that's freeing ... a little rebellious, if you will.

So, if you see me walking around anytime soon with a zipper undone, a dirty shirt, ripped jeans, etc. Please be kind and just let me be.