The Crazy Cookie Incident

Today something bizarre happened to me. And by bizarre ... I mean B-I-Z-A-R-R-E.

Okay, fine. It's not actually that big of a deal. But then again, it is to me.

So I've been kind of out of it lately. Sort of down-in-the-dumps, foggy, just plain out of it. I've been feeling extra suck-y and have had zero motivation.

As I'm sure is the case for most of you, I hate feeling like this. It's nearly impossible for me to get anything done, all I want to do is sleep and strangely enough ... I've had no appetite.

Now I must make something very clear ... one of the greatest feelings you can give someone struggling with an eating disorder is the feeling of not having an appetite.

At least that's certainly the case for this girl.


I haven't really been thinking about food, haven't been planning out each meal in careful detail, haven't even really worried about what's "in stock" at the Clark household. It's strange - but I like it.

Instead, I've been trying to figure out what the heavens my deal is. Why am I so blah?

Maybe it's because I'm legitimately sick (I just got antibiotics, yay!) or maybe it's because I'm overtired. More than likely though, it's probably because I'm a little more out of whack than usual.

Yes, this is possible - for those of you who didn't think it was.

What do I mean?

My mind has literally been out of whack - it has been caring about things that I have no control over, wishing for people to think certain things that they most likely never will, begging the heavens to align and make me everyone's first pick for everything in life.

And I've slowly but very surely learned that directing my energy to those pointless places, is tiring.

It's tiring AND overwhelming.

It's also causing me to miss the bigger picture, what's important, what I can be for family and friends.

It's causing me to forget to accept that which I can't be, it's causing me to get caught up in what I am not.

I've been worried that I haven't been a good enough big sister, a good enough friend, a good enough role model. And to be completely honest - there have been times when I haven't been those things.

And that's okay.

Because I'm learning what works and what doesn't. What is good and what is wrong. What causes happiness and what causes ... the opposite.

So for my bizarre moment today?

Like I said, I haven't been uber hungry lately. However after my 4-6 class, I was starving. I decided to go to Java's to get a "Sports Bar," the healthiest thing I figured I could find at that time and at hat location.

But as I stood in line, the thought of a Sports Bar made me nauseous. Crisped rice, raisins, walnuts, dark chocolate - it just did not sound appetizing.

But what else could I get at a bake shop?

A cookie?

NO, NO WAY! I CAN'T!

But wow, yes I can.

Why? Because a cookie actually sounds good right now. Because I actually want one. Because I don't feel like I'm going to binge on this cookie or throw my entire day away because of it - and because it's called a "health cookie," so that has to account for something.

As I walked to my car, I took a few bites. Satisfying to my empty stomach, yes ... but it wasn't amazing. A little more than half-way through the cookie and I was full. There was no reason to keep eating it.

But could I stop? Could I really put this cookie down and not devour the remaining bites?

Why yes, yes I could.

Because I didn't need the rest of that cookie, because it wasn't going to do me any good, because I was sick, AM SICK of feeling like I've failed. I'm not trying to say that eating the rest of the cookie would have made me failure, but learning to grasp when "enough is enough" is a big step for me.

But just to be on the safe side - I threw the rest of the cookie out my car window. 

There was no way in hell I was letting my lack of self-control ruin that moment. And hey, maybe ditching the cookie was a new form of self-control.

Anyway, my greater realization through the Crazy Cookie Incident, was the understanding that sometimes you have to get rid of of something you maybe have once wanted - that sometimes that "thing" isn't good for you anymore and in fact, may be what's bringing you down.

So with that being said, I vow to let go of the negative things in my life that maybe were once good, but aren't proving to be so anymore. Whether it's thoughts, relationships, habits, actions, or 1/4 of a leftover cookie from Javas ... I bid you adieu.

We all know that not everything can last forever ...

And that's what life is all about, right?