Little Pink Shorts

Sometimes I don't feel like blogging and sometimes I do.

Right now is one of those moments when I'd rather not, but I tweeted earlier that I would have a post today. Although most of you probably didn't see that, I know at least one person did. Therefore, I feel accountable.

It's also probably something I should do ... for myself.

So where shall I begin?

Last Friday I went  "shorts" shopping - kind of on a whim.

I despise shopping for summer clothes, as I'm sure you can imagine. Shorts and bathing suits are my two (or three if you count a top and bottom) least favorite items of clothing. While I love the bright colors and floral prints that often come with warmer weather, I think I'd be fine if I was forced to wear jeans and flow-y tops for the rest of my life.

Anyway, J. Crew was having a sale and since I'm a newly proclaimed "deal" shopper, I figured why not check it out.

Upon entering the store, I immediately saw an old friend from high school. I'm not sure if I was experiencing some weird adrenaline rush from seeing him or if it was because I was surrounded by summery prints and preppy plaid - but I went into complete shopping mode.

"These are on sale!" he said, pointing to a pair of hot-pink shorts.

Well thank you kind sir, for reading my mind. 

They weren't exactly what I had in mind color-wise and weren't very practical. BUT they were they style I was looking for and what could it hurt to try a pair on?

Ugh, Emily. If only you had known sooner.

I grabbed two sizes, convinced I would fit into one or the other.

The larger size, was a little ... large. They looked baggy in the crotch (ew) and kind of reminded me of "Mom" shorts (sorry mom).

"No way," said Jess, my shopping accomplice.

So I slid on the smaller pair.

Okay, I lied. I struggled into the smaller pair - but they did fit. Kind of. (No, this isn't going to be some great story on how I've lost weight and now fit into a smaller-than-normal size pair of shorts.)

"Much better!" said Jess.

No way I thought, no freaking way.

I knew they felt kind of tight and I couldn't ignore that. I couldn't ignore that you could see the outline of the pockets (from the inside) or that they hugged my thighs a little too much.

Or could I? For the most part they fit and that was all I needed.

I called my salesperson friend into the fitting rooms and begged him to honestly tell me how they looked.

"They're fine!" he said, "but how do you feel?"

"I feel okay," I said "But I really don't want them to be too short, too tight, too small, etc."

"Well I think they look fine Em, but it all depends on how you feel," he replied.

So I bought them.

All was fine until Jess and I stopped for frozen yogurt on the way home. It was then, that I realized something was very wrong.

You can't eat frozen yogurt Emily, I thought to myself - you need to fit into those damn shorts and you barely are now.

I was suddenly transformed to a not-so-wonderful time.

Three year's ago, I had wanted these exact shorts. Only not in this size but an even smaller one. A friend owned them and I was obsessed. I loved the color, I loved the feel, I loved them. But they were too small. Like couldn't even button, too small. So it became my goal to fit into them by that summer.

Shortly after that "goal," I began spending more time in the shower - trying to get my breakfast, lunch, dinner and any snacks out of my system. I had to fit into those shorts.

I had since forgotten about those shorts. I know now that I will never fit into them and that quite frankly it would be frightening if I did. My friend and I have different bodies, we are different people.

Yet somehow I found myself in a similar situation with these new shorts. I didn't even realize it until I started having similar negative thoughts.

All weekend I've been paranoid about "the shorts." I've told myself I need to work-out harder, that I need to not eat that, that starving myself is the sure answer to looking slammin' in these shorts.

Only I also knew exactly where those ideas will lead me and to be completely honest, I'm scared.

What's worse is that I ordered another pair. On impulse - due to that they were on sale. I thought for sure I could make them work.

Only now I know they won't work - I'm driving myself crazy trying to figure out a way to return something that was final sale. I'm bummed that these shorts couldn't finally be "the shorts" for me.

But, I think it's okay. At least I'm trying to believe that.

Instead of squeezing into a size, maybe I should have went with the pair that was a little big. Why restrict myself when I'm finally learning how to breathe?

Better yet, maybe I shouldn't have bought either pair. What's the point in making those shorts something that they aren't?

When I got home from work tonight, I wore the shorts around for a little bit, trying to decide if I was comfortable in them.

And I wasn't. At least not comfortable enough to keep them. And although they were on sale, I won't wear them - which tells me not to keep them.

I'll try to return them, maybe exchange them for a bigger size. Maybe I'll give them to Jess, as an extra late birthday present.

One thing is for sure - I've been feeling so good lately and I'm not going to let these little pink shorts ruin that. I won't let them be motivation to lose weight, because I don't need to. I won't let them tell me I'm not good enough to fit into them, because if anything I'm better.

I know I'm obsessing over a pair of shorts but whatever, I obsess over odd things.

What's more important is that I'm learning that I don't need to settle for something "too big" or "too small," but instead something that feels rights. I know that "perfect pair of shorts" is waiting out there for me somewhere.

And when I find them, I'll know it. And I'll love myself in them - just as I am.