Failure at its Finest

When you "fail" at something, it's hard to not tie your previous actions to the outcome.

When I fail at something, the above is second nature to me. It's what I do immediately.

And that's what I'm doing today.

Until today, I hadn't worked-out in four days. I ate crappy this weekend and am my stomach is bloated enough to make me think it's noticeable.

I'd like to say I know that isn't possible , but until I have that "skinny" feeling again my mind will be telling me otherwise.
Until about an hour ago, I was convinced that all of this was because I had failed to stick to my "healthy ways." As much as I preach about not worrying if you "fall of track," I haven't quite retired that feeling. In fact, it finds it way to haunt be daily.


So today I decided to go for a run. "Forced" would actually be a more accurate term, but I'd like to think at least a little of me wanted to do it. It's the warmest it's been in months, the sun is out, and I'm obviously rested. Yet somehow I still couldn't find the energy.

I've had a bad/weird/annoying cold for the past few days and I've been extremely lazy. I've been putting little effort into my homework assignments, didn't go to class today, and can't seem to find the motivation to do much else than sit on the couch.

I think I'm majorly bummed out. A professional may call me depressed but I just think I'm a failure.

I'm frustrated that I can't seem to be "healthy" longer than week. I'm angry that I can't seem to grasp the concept of being "full." I'm disgusted with how I treat myself and how easy it is for me to think "Wow Emily, you suck."

So as I was running, I tried to figure out what the hell my deal was.

You have to cut the crap Emily, I thought to myself. You have worked too hard to fall of the wagon now. Yes, your angry you had pizza two nights in a row. Yes, your angry that you "taste-tested" the new cookies at work more times than necessary. I know - you're mad that the weekend didn't go as planned and you're convinced it's somehow all your fault.

But where does that leave me now?

Angry. Frustrated. Bitter. Annoyed ... with myself.

About 2.5 miles into my run, I think I had a mini-panic attack. I began to think about how badly I'd "messed up," how much weight I surely had gained due to not exercising for four days and how disgusting people were going to think I was for eating three pieces of Jess's birthday cake.

I swear my vision became blurred and I instantly became nauseous. I can't do this, I thought. Slowing my jog to a walk, my thoughts intensified. Great - now I couldn't even finish this run correctly.

The only thing I knew to do, was to keep walking. Forcing deep breaths and reminding myself what I knew to be true.

No one thinks I'm fat. No one cares how much I ate over the weekend. No one blames me for a night that maybe wasn't fun. Yes, I'm missing class - but maybe I needed to. I am kind of sucking on my homework assignments, but I can re-focus.

I told myself - You can do this Emily, because you've done it before.

I think that's what bothers me the most - thinking that I've failed when I've learned so much about how to feel good. Shouldn't it be second nature by now?

I guess not. And that's what I have to learn to comprehend - that in life there really are ups and downs and we have little control over them. For the parts we do have control over, it's hard work to stay "up," but it's so worth it in the end.

When I returned home, I checked my phone to see a news update from CNN. There had been an explosion in Boston, at the marathon, people were injured, people could be dead.

Even at such an "up" of an event, there was a horrible "low."

So as I sit here watching the news, praying for those who are injured and those who have so unfortunately lost their loved ones - I am forcing myself to remember that whenever you're "down," an "up" is coming.

Because I want to look back on this life and be proud of how I've overcome the "lows." I don't want to think about the times I failed but rather the times I triumphed. I want to remember my successes and not the times I thought I was anything less. I want to know that I was thrilled with who I was and that I did everything I needed to - to be happy.

Because in the end I'm convinced that's all that matters.