All the Women who Independent ...

Yesterday I returned to my eating disorder group after a month of being in and out of the meetings. Due to Jordan's schedule and me obviously wanting to visit him whenever I can, I sacrificed a few of my group meetings to go see him.

And that's fine.

I didn't really feel like I needed to go yesterday, nor did I feel like I really needed to visit my therapist on Wednesday. I considered cancelling, sending e-mail's/text messages to my therapist and group members, saying I wouldn't be there.

Yet somehow I found myself attending both sessions, knowing that in the end I'd be happy.

And I was.

I always find that the appointments you think you don't need - end up being the ones you really do.

In my therapist meeting, I told Staci I had been feeling good and that nothing major had been happening lately. I told her about the difficulty of "upsetting" my routine by leaving home to visit Jordan and then trying to get back on schedule. I told her how I'm slowly but surely learning to have structure but not too much - and how to not beat myself up if things don't go as I've planned.

She nodded, smiled, and seemed pleased with where I was. Let me just tell you, it's a lot better being able to report good feelings than bad ones. It's also easier.

So I forced myself to dig a little deeper. What else was going on?

"I'm a little worried about my sister," I said.

Staci, who magically knows everything, replied with an "I know."

Sometimes those two words, "I" and "know" make such a difference. Sometimes simply hearing that someone else understands, even if it's just a little bit, helps you to succeed.

I went on to explain how a couple of weeks ago my sister had a slight freak-out (and rightfully so) when I was going a little overboard at a trip to Yotality.

"Why are you getting so much?" she had asked me.

"I, um, yeah ... I, uh, don't know," I had said.

I was in a binging mode and it was one of those times where nothing was going to pull me out of it. I had to go through with it.

Everyone else finished their frozen yogurt way before me and I asked Jess to drive home so that I could finish eating in the car. She drove my car to the dorms, got out, and no more than a minute later I got a text message from her.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do," she said, "when you get like that."

Oh. I had thought. She knows? Weird.

Except how could it really be that weird - Jess knows me inside and out. Apparently she even knows me better than I thought she did. I had been convinced I was the only one aware of my binging on frozen yogurt. I was convinced I was in this alone.

She went on to tell me she was upset - crying and lost on how to help me.

Well, I could have died.

As I've said before, Jess and I are very close. However - it really goes beyond that. In some ways, I look at Jess like she's my child. I know I shouldn't, but she's younger and I think naturally I feel an urge to look out for her.

Other events in our lives have also forced me to be her mother in a sense. I know it drives her crazy, I drive myself crazy. But it's something I've had a very difficult time letting go of.

Except this time, Jess was worried about me.

I thought for sure I was misreading her text messages, that I was misunderstanding the situation. How could she have known I was in a binging mood and why the hell did she care enough to help? Why was she upset? I was supposed to be the "perfect" big sister always looking out for her, never needing her. It wasn't supposed to be the other way around.

"I'm sorry," I texted her back - rather unsure of what else to say.

As I told Staci the story she listened intently. I thought for sure I had the situation under control and that she was going to tell me I now  had to be mindful of who else my eating disorder is affecting. I was pretty sure I knew exactly what she was going to say.

Except I was wrong.

Staci explained that while it was natural for Jess to be concerned and for me to feel guilty about her being concerned, at the end of the day - Jess couldn't really do anything.

"You're going to make your own decisions," Staci said, "no matter what."

And she's right.

While it's dramatic, beautiful, and heartwarming to think that hey - if I can't get healthy for myself, maybe I can do it for Jess - that won't be the solution.

In reality, I am in this one alone. I'm the only who who can make myself get healthy. I have to remember I'm doing this for myself. Yet there is a delicate balance to be found, in remembering how those around me are affected.

"The best thing you can do," advised Staci, "is to tell Jess to just let you be. If you're going to binge you're going to binge, she can't stop you."

Just like I can't stop her from riding around in cars with boys my age or missing class because she's hungover.

Today is Jess' 19th birthday.

I spent a whole paycheck on gifts for her and have been planning the best weekend I can for her. While tangible objects are exciting, I'm also seeing she needs more than just the new pair of Birkenstocks I gave her.

I think the best gift I can Jess is independence.

Which is something she's already done for me.

Yesterday was "Pizza Wars" at my work. FYI pizza is a huge trigger food for me and let's just say the memory of how it looks coming back up makes me nauseous instantly.

Yet I still had some. I was in one of those moods.

As Jess stood by me, watching me eat, she didn't say a word. I couldn't help but wonder if "she knew," if she was silently willing me to stop after the second piece, or if she was completely unaware. Knowing Jess, I doubt that the latter was the case.

I was instantly mad, furious at myself for failing, and seriously wanted to just go home and ... ya know.

But hey - that's not why were here right?

So I calmly reminded myself of what I knew to be true. Yes Emily, you just had four pieces of pizza. Yes, you didn't need to eat that much. Yes, you are full and angry. BUT you did it. No one stopped you - why would they? And if you want to change, you have to create that change within yourself.

"For every step forward it’s pretty natural to take a few steps back. The trick is not to beat yourself up when you do.”

True that. True freaking that.

Anyway - whether she's aware of it or not, Jess helps me through recovery every single day. She does this by letting me make my own decisions, learning my own lessons, and not barging in whenever the hell she feels like it.

I'm sorry Jess, that I haven't been able to do the same for you. 

So instead of worrying if Jess is back in her dorm bed every night or whose being the DD when she goes out - I'm going to choose trust. Because regardless, Jess will make her own decisions. And that's what she should be doing.

I can offer advice, give my opinion, and try to guide her down the path that I think is best. But if she chooses another direction, I must choose to support her. What's ever meant to be for her ... will.

And I know she feels the same away me.

As I told this story to the three other members that attend group yesterday, they nodded in agreement with what I had learned. Yes, we have each other and yes, support in numbers is a big help. But we also have to do this one on our own.

Just as Jess will someday learn that no, you can't go out Thursday-Sunday and expect to make class Monday morning. Or when a boy says, "Wanna watch a movie?" that's rarely what they actually mean.

As the four of us sat there, I'd like to think we all realized something else.

That there will be no magical solution for how we "break-up" with our eating disorder. No matter what anyone says, if we truly want to be away from Ed (eating disorder - crafty right?), we have to ditch him on our own.

And when we finally do - that independence will feel amazing.