"You're setting yourself up for failure... " (Day 7)

As I mentioned before, I’m usually a pretty upbeat, positive person.

I’m actually pretty sure my optimism has a tendency to get annoying. But I’ve always been okay with that. It’s much better to be known as a Positive Patty than a Negative Nancy in my book. 

Anyway, as per my short post yesterday and kind of “blah” tone all week – I’ve definitely been feeling less than positive. 

I had a Staci appointment yesterday and honestly, THANK GOSH. I was getting a little worried that I was legitimately going insane.

 When I sat down on the couch in Staci’s office, which in so many ways has become a second home to me, I instantly knew that by the time I left I’d feel better. That’s how it always works. I don’t think I’ve ever walked out of her office not feeling better than when I walked in.

Sometimes I have no idea what I’m going to talk about and sometimes I have a literal list. Yesterday was one of those in-between times. I definitely wanted to tell her about the June Clean(ish) Eating Challenge and I also wanted to share how I’d been feeling – physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Physically, I’ve been feeling awesome. I've felt good exercising everyday and I haven’t really felt like I’m pushing myself too much. Even if I’m tired before a work out, I always feel energized after.

Mentally, planning a work out everyday is a little stressful. It’s actually stressful enough that I don’t know if it’s worth it.

Emotionally, I’m happy with my body one minute and then kind of “meh” the next. If I’m feeling good I don’t want to eat, if I’m feeling bad I still kind of don’t want to eat – because in that case I know I’m not hungry. So I’m glad I’m recognizing when I’m stress eating and preventing it but I’m nervous that I’m not eating when I should be.

So basically I’m at the point where I don’t want to “give up” on the challenge and I don’t necessarily want to continue it.

As I explained this all to Staci, her advice was exactly what I needed to hear.

Obviously.

“Emily, you know you’re setting yourself up for failure with this challenge.”

And I did know that, I do know that.

“But I want to actually follow through on a commitment to myself, I want to know that I can stick to something!” I said.

“That’s where your thinking is a little warped,” she replied. In other words, she didn't think the challenge was going to do me any good and will most likely just end up driving me crazy.

I think my mood changes and constant up and down feelings this week are enough to show that she's right.

SO, I have a new plan!

Instead of the JUNE Eat Clean(ish) challenge, I’m going to try to adopt eating clean for the whole summer. However, this undoubtedly won’t happen every day – and that’s okay. I need that to be okay.

I do want to attempt to sweat every day, but it really needs to be just that – sweating. Whether it’s running around after the little kids I babysit, chasing Sophie whose currently eating all of my shoes, or walking around The Province (the apartment complex I work at) on a 90 degree day for ten minutes.

As I was pouring out all of my feelings to Staci, I recalled a “revelation” I had at the gym earlier that day.

After spending twenty minutes on one cardio machine. I moved to the spinning bikes to complete another twenty minutes. A girl was next to me, kicking butt on her bike, and I instantly got it in my head that I needed to be working just as hard as her.

Mind you this girl was clearly more “skilled” at working out/exercising and had a whole routine planned out. She definitely had been doing this whole thing for awhile. She looked amazing. 

Anyways, I kind of killed myself on the bike to then go “lift” weights where she was as well – lifting heavier weights than me, of course. As I was struggling to do 8lb. arm raises, I realized how miserable I was.

I was tired, I was worn out, I was done exercising for the day. I had far exceeded what I probably needed to do. Yet I was still pushing myself. AND WHY?!

Did I need to be this other girl? Would acquiring the same amount of strength as her make me a better person?

No, no and NO.

By “killing” myself to become skinnier and muscular, I’m ultimately making myself miserable.

Skinny does not equal happy, Emily. HELLO!

After telling this story to Staci, she raised a very good point. She explained that I could be as strong as that girl if I really wanted too, that I could work out as hard as her and that I could spend hours at the gym everyday - if that was what was truly going to make me happy.

But in reality, happiness for me comes from something different all together.

It comes from my sister and knowing I’m her role model. It comes from hearing her laugh when I’ve apparently done something funny (either that or she’s just laughing at me). It comes from my parents who are proud of each and everything I do – even if it’s just remembering to hang up my towel after I shower. It comes from Jordan calling me a NARP (non-athletic regular person) and knowing deep down that he loves me to no end. It comes from the people who have stood by me, through all of this craziness and didn't run away (which nobody did) when I decided to make my struggle very public.

It comes from waking up early to drink coffee and watch Good Morning America. It comes from eating healthy food 80% of the time and allowing otherwise the other 20%. It comes from working with co-workers that are some of my best friends, it comes from have friends that I know I couldn’t live without.

Happiness for me comes from laughing, from crying, from sweating – when it’s the right time. It comes from running when I honestly just feel like it and not when I’m forcing myself. It comes from exercising as much as possible and not worrying when I don’t.

It comes from sitting in Staci’s office and reporting that I’ve been “doing really good,” that I haven’t gotten sick and that hey – I might actually get over this whole eating disorder thing one day.

It comes from living – and unfortunately I can’t let a challenge restrict me from doing that.

I may have had the opposite intention with the challenge originally, but let’s be serious – limits are no fun.

So as I leave you tonight, I promise to continue trying to eat clean and trying to sweat every day. If I don’t, I don’t – and I promise to be okay with that and to remind myself that no matter what, I’m living the life I want to. And if I feel like I’m not? I’ll make a change.

I promise to try to blog every single day and keep up with my “calendar.” I shall now refer to this journey simply as "Eat Clean(ish), since everyone seems to like that, and as something I'm working at throughout the summer. My calendar will by my sweat calendar, because it is kind of fun to write about what I've been doing. I promise that this is all going to be a little less serious and my point is that: it’s all what you make of it. 

“If you died tomorrow, would you be happy with the life you’ve lived?” Staci asked at the end of my appointment.

I am unbelievably pleased with all I’ve accomplished and all of the wonderful people I’ve known throughout my twenty-one years. I’m thrilled with mostly everything in my life, except how I treat food and my body – and myself.

So in the end, that’s what needs to change …

If I want to confidently be able to answer that question with a “Yes.”